Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
