I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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