did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
