I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
