You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.