He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We got so high we made milksteak
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.