apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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