Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
