Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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