I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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