Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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