He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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