She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
