I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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