When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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