I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
