she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
