Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
