Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
