So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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