I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
