dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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