Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
