Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
