If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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