So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
