I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
