apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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