I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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