I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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