mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
