You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
