dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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