I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
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