Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
