im about as happy as oj after his trial
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
