My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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