you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize