I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
