I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
