I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
