I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He kissed a someone with a penis
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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