I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
