Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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