Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
