You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Randomize
