Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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