ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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