Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
