I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
