Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
