I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
