This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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