My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
