my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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