The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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