My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
