I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
